I love the Amazon Wish List. Actually, I love all online wish lists. I have hearted, upvoted, and liked the desires of my soul on half a dozen Web sites and counting. Pretty soon I’m going to start wish-listing things I don’t even want; I’ll run out of sites and end up on a wish list for War of 1812 memorabilia or replacement organs. A new kidney? Yes please! *merrily clicks the “thumbs up”* I already have two, but you know what they say, always room for one more! *laughs maniacally, registers for half a spleen*

I have a theory… Well, it’s probably not even my theory. It’s a theory. Have you noticed I like theories? I love theories. Anyhow, one theory is that the stereotypical female love for shopping is related to the role of the woman as the gatherer in the ol’ hunter-gatherer scheme. The menfolk hunt the beast and bring back meat; the wimmens pick berries and gather roots—assuming the roots and berries got decent reviews and come with free shipping. We’re no fools, we wimmens. And now we have wish lists: all the fun of shopping without the second mortgage.

And nothing is better than the Amazon Wish List because you can put anything on there. You’ve always wanted a pony? Well, Amazon doesn’t sell ponies—I just checked—but you slap it on there anyhow and when your sugar daddy decides it’s time for something special, he’ll know right where to look. One pony, please. *click!*

A friend of mine just had a birthday (hi, Holly!), so I decided to look up her Amazon Wish List. Turns out many, many people have that name, and most of them do not provide a photo. So I scrutinized a few candidates and tried to identify my Holly by what was on the list.

Holly #1

• A Degenerate Gambler’s Guide to Living on the Edge
• Tile Key Finder
• Piggy Wiggy Bank: Smart Speaking Piggy Bank and Task Tracker

Ohhh, I thought, a sister of the ADHD tribe! Hello, dear. But then a chain of events suggested itself…

• Women of the Asylum
• My Lobotomy: A Memoir
• Fly, Colton, Fly: The True Story of the Barefoot Bandit
• Oxo Good Grips Easy-Clean Bladed Meat Tenderizer

Gulp! Um, okay, wrong Holly. Next!

Holly #2

I accidentally friended one of the Hollys and just about swallowed my tongue when I saw her list.

• Victory of Cupid Lingerie Body Stocking Plus Size Babydoll Teddy
• Full Length Lace Fishnet Body Stocking Crotchless (out of stock, sorry)
• Sexy Halter Bodysuit One Piece Teddy Lingerie

That model for that last item looked as if she had gotten herself tangled in red yarn like a hapless fleshy kitten. I scrolled past a number of similar items and then Holly requested…

• Squeeze-a-bean Soybean Stress Relieving Charm Key Chain
• Colorful 3D Galaxy Bedding, King Size
• Marilyn Monroe Signature Money Case ID Holder

I guess that last one stands to reason: no pockets in those fishnet teddies. But it was so… plastic. And the 3D bedding and the little soybean toy with the smiley face gave me pause. I don’t know what this girl is up to, but I hope someone calls her mom soon. Unfriend! Whew.

Further Hollys—and some Amandas, when I branched out—introduced me to an odd phenomenon: the one-item Wish List. I can think of five logical explanations right off the bat. But I’d rather imagine that whatever this thing is, it truly was the ONE WISH of Holly’s entire life. Think of it: “Oh, Santa Claus, I want only one thing in the world, and that thing is…”

• Truly Madly Deeply (on DVD for $134.92…?!)
• Strategic Management: A Cross-Functional Approach (paperback)
• ThumbZilla (wow. That’s fairly horrifying game concept)
  • Oh wow, you guys. Click the link if you must, but DO NOT Google that. Ick.
• The Psychology of Macbeth: A Lecture Delivered to the Psychological Society of Glasgow … May 4th, 1869 (hardcover) (okay, that one makes sense to me)
• A Loss for Words: The Story of Deafness in a Family (paperback)
• Fabulosity: What It Is and How to Get It (hardcover)
• Circle of Friends Cookbook: 25 Meatloaf Recipes (Kindle edition)
• And the loneliest single item of all: THIS TITLE NO LONGER AVAILABLE

You know, I started this post feeling amused. But I’m starting to be sad about these Hollys and Amandas who asked for one damn thing in 2008 and didn’t get it. If I asked for a meatloaf cookbook, I’d get it. I doubt that Amanda #8 of Scappoose, Oregon, is any less deserving of a gift—or of a meatloaf—or fabulosity, whatever that is—than I am.

By the way, I finally gave up and asked Holly if she had a wish list. She doesn’t. Whatever. Guess she hates dreams.